Kim Jong Un
Chairman of State Affairs Commission of the Democratic Republic of Korea
Dear Mr. Chairman,
We greatly appreciate your time, patience and effort in wanting to ease tensions between DPRK and Republic of Korea, or what many refers to as the ‘Evil’ and ‘Good’ Korea. In all due respect, it might be because that you look just like a bubbly evil character out of a fairy tale. In fact, the World, and the United States in particular, believes strongly that you are living in a utopia created by your grandfather.
Nevertheless, I applaud you for all the gesture of goodwill you’ve done, from
introducing the world to the VX nerve agent demolishing the Punggye-Ri Nuclear Test Site, sharing a gay moment with meeting South’s leader Moon Jae-In at the DMZ to crossing fires negotiating with erratic US leader Donald Trump.
It is a disappointment that the scheduled summit between you and Trump three weeks later in Singapore will not be happening. At least that’s what that orange man said for now. Oh and please, Chairman, if you ever get to meet this old man, please advice him on the kind of hairstyle that suits him more than his current one. Your state has the record of offering a much more acceptable hairstyle than the rest of the world could offer.
As what Trump has written in his letter to you – although I doubt he was the one who pens it, it looks more like what a spoilt bret wrote when his peers refuses to play with him, the way he wants it – that “the world, and North Korea in particular, has lost a great opportunity for lasting peace and great prosperity and wealth”. In his defence, it was not an easy decision he has made. I am sure that he has contemplated about the any plausible outcome, but fret not, this is not the first time he has been being uncertain. He is on and off, and on and off, and on and off and… You get me. No rewards for guessing how he is a two-time divorcee.
I guess it will be inappropriate for me to carry on with this topic. It is a shame we wouldn’t get to see you making a cameo appearance in the latest episode of the Fox News reality series ‘Trumps in the White House’. I thought it will be nice to have two
humpy dumpys heavyweight world leaders walking down the foyer of Shangri-La, snapped by hundreds of camera sets and swarmed by thousands of journalists from all over the world. The world lost the opportunity.
Despite that, I appeal to you, Mr. Chairman, to visit Singapore despite the cancellation of the summit. There are many case studies in which you and your delegation would be very much interested in.
First, allow me to introduce Singapore. Singapore is an island-state located in the southern-most tip of the Malay Peninsular. No, we are no where near your favourite ally China although you can still see much of their people around – with their distinctive style of speaking as compare to the locals. No, we are no where near the country where their leader idolises you, although you could find them serving in most of the service-related positions. And no, we are no where near the country you hated the most despite American wannabes tried their best to put on that accent. We always consider ourselves ‘neutral and principled‘.
We have a political system that you would find familiar. In North Korea, I understand that the Chairmanship is hereditary. In Singapore, we are about the same – or at least we’ve accustomed to the fact that the Prime Ministership will somehow be delegated to someone belonging to the same family as if it was a family business. While your system invites scrutiny from the international community, especially the west, for being an absolute dictatorship (mind my language), we did it via proper channel, something called elections (the westerners loved it a lot, I can assure you). We could advice you on how to throw in some ‘democracy’ and ‘meritocracy’ to make all your political doings as legitimate.
I understand that the West has been pressurising you to open up to freedom of expression within your borders. In Singapore, we give people freedom of expression. We are such an advocate of it that we even designate a place in our land-scarce island for our citizens to express themselves – whether it is about their displeasure towards government policies or
to disrupt a charity event for special needs children. Yet, the famous and biggest event held there was an annual carnival for love and sex equality. North Korea might like to adopt this idea and build your own variant of a ‘protest’ site back in Pyongyang. I am sure this will help reduce tensions between your countries and the rest of the human rights-loving international community. We would be glad to offer advice on how your government can go about with the terms and conditions of using the designated site.
I heard you have a metro system right at the heart of Pyongyang. We have a metro system too, only that we expanded it too frequent and too much to the point that a few stations are within walkable distance from each other. Minister of Railways Jang Hyok would be very much interested in getting introduced to the fastest way to transport your citizens yet slow enough to prevent them from thinking of escaping out of your country. You can probably learn how to promote your military generals to head the metro system.
Another reason for you to visit Singapore is that we will not rush you towards denuclearisation. In fact, we will never rush anyone into anything unless we are talking about CPF or anything bill related. One reason is that, unlike the US, we do not possess any nuclear weapons ‘so massive and powerful that I pray to God they will never have to be used’. The only time ‘nuclear power’ was brought up was on the Opinion section of the Straits Times – something like your Rodong Sinmun, but more satirical to the public.
While you are on the visit to our beautiful island, it might be able to invite you to a rehearsal for our annual National Day Parade. It looks exactly like the parade you have back home during the Day of the Foundation of the Republic, just without the nuclear weapons. Maybe we can exchange a few tips on how to enhance the attendees’ experience of our respective parades.
Looking forward to your visit. I am sure you will feel at home here.
Sincerely Yours (definitely more sincere than your previous letters),
-insert illegible scribblings-
Your Unofficial Guide to Singapore